Randi, at I have to say… has started Let’s Get Real Monday. The Topic this week is THE OUTFIT…
You know the one. It hangs in the back of the closet or maybe it lies in state in a photograph. You always loved it, but everyone around you hated it. Maybe you thought that you would fit into it again someday, but, alas, that has not proven to be so, and now you are considering putting it into your child’s dress-up box—but they don’t want it! Possibly it only exists in a picture because your husband conviently (but accidently) tossed the outfit into the thrift store box a couple of years ago.
I have a little different twist on this topic. I couldn’t really think of a tacky outfit that stuck out in my mind, but my mind kept going back to a beautiful dress I bought when I was a size 6. I LOVED this dress. It was yellow chiffon with a delicate floral print. It was sleeveless and ankle length, flowing straight down, which is why it only looked good on me when I was so tiny. I would often think about it on Easter or Mother’s Day, longing for the day when I could wear it again. I can’t find a picture, and that is a good and bad thing.
You see, in my early twenties, I worked really hard to become a size 6 and 120 lbs, and I did it. People would always say, “Oh, you’ve lost so much weight! You look great” (It would take more than 20 lbs to get to 120 these days!) Actually, I looked a little pale and unhealthy, because with my diet, I had become a little anemic and my blood sugar was often very low. Needless to say, after three c-sections and the stress of life, I “grew out of” that dress. Thinking about it now, I have a few questions.
First, why do I have such a problem living in the moment, with who I am now? It seems like I am always living in the past, or saying, “When I get to _________ (weight, career, kids ages, etc.) it’ll be better.” I used to look at that dress and do both: long for the time (and body) when I could wear it, and long for the time when I could wear it again. The yellow chiffon dress was the embodiment of my discontent.
Second, why do I equate self-worth with dress size? There are a lot of reasons for this, stemming from my child/teen-hood as a dancer, societal pressures and misplaced self-concept, but there is also something more. It is an external measure. I can clearly assess, track, and measure it. I know that what really matters is who I am on the inside, but a beautiful inside is much harder to accomplish than the outside. I can change my look myself, with a little help from hair-stylists, trainers, diets and beauty products. However, there is only one who can really change me on the inside, my heart, and that is God. Why is it so difficult to let go of control, and let Him have His way? That is what I will be praying about this week.
Throughout this post, I have referred to the dress in the past tense. When we moved last summer, I had a yard sale. I just couldn’t put it in with all the other stuff, so I gave it to a friend, who really can fit into it. I said my goodbyes not to the dress, but to the “me” that wore it. I am so different now and, I realize, better. I am currently exercising regularly, and trying to eat healthy. I’ve lost 12 lbs in the past three months. But it’s all for a different reason. I want to celebrate and honor this body that the Lord has blessed me with, that bore three children, and has carried me through 33 years of life. As I’m doing that, I hope to turn inward more as well, and exercise the mind and spirit God has given me.
